The hardest truth to swallow is that you are going to fight your biggest battles off the field or outside the court. Sure, you are tested mentally and physically through early morning lifts, game overtimes, and team relationships, but it is overcoming those challenges that aid your growth outside of your athletic abilities.
Life will test you again and again, and sometimes without warning. Hard times are unavoidable and everyone deals with difficulties at some point. People pass, relationships slip away, illnesses appear, but it is the strength that you encompass that keeps your spirit alive.
About fours years ago, I began experiencing sporadic, abrupt abdominal pains. This would occur about every 3 months and sent me to the emergency room buckled over in pain and most of the time, unable to speak or walk due to the severity. The best way I can describe this pain is simulated as being stabbed over and over in my abdomen, unable to assume a position to help subside the suffering. Eventually, when I would finally get to the emergency room, they would run tests and give me strong pain medication that would finally numb the pain. I would go home, sleep, and recover. By the time I was fully rested, I had zero side effects from the episode. This was extremely hard for me to grasp because I didn't understand how there could be no side effects after my body experiences pain that severe.
I had every test performed on me that you could think of- CTs, lab work, Ultrasounds, and everything would comeback normal. The doctors instructed me to go to a Gastroenterologist, who specialize in abdominal cases. The first GI I went to performed an endoscopy, which is a procedure where they lined a camera down my throat to examine what could be wrong visually. The results of that procedure led them to diagnose me with mild acid reflux. Well, I did my own research and cases involving my diagnosis did not connect with the pain I endured. They prescribed me a medication to limit my acid production, and I didn't have an attack for a year and a half. I was actually convinced that I was just crazy and it was mild acid reflux after all.
July 31st, 2022, after a year and a half of pain free living, I finally had another episode that landed me in the emergency room. These occurred every two weeks for about a month and a half till I could see another Gastroenterologist. I was wanting to give up because I had been dealing with this for so long. The pain prevented me from playing the sport I love. It would knock me down when it occurred late in the night, leaving me extremely tired the next day for classes and workouts. I felt like I was limited in my diet because I didn't want to eat anything that triggered my illness. Honestly, I would go without eating some days, which is not healthy for an athlete, because I was terrified to go to the hospital again.
Not only was I suffering physically, but I was struggling mentally as well. I had anxiety every single day with the thought that I could abruptly be bed rested and on the way to the emergency room. I was depressed because I felt hopeless that my mystery illness would never be solved and it would be attached to me my entire life. I was afraid I may not be able to have kids in the future. Nothing made sense and as a person who already feels like they need to have control of their life entirely, I felt helpless and out of control. I felt myself drifting from the people I loved because I didn't feel like going out with them and having fun with my mentality stuck in the thought of "You are going to have an abdominal attack at any moment. Avoid anything that may cause it."
My second round of testing with my next GI began as a helpless and hopeless start once again. "We will run these tests," they said. They listed off all the words I had already heard multiple times before. In my heart I wanted to trust that they would figure out what was wrong with me, but in my mind I would say to myself "They aren't going to find anything. The tests will all come back normal just as they have multiple times before." My mind was correct for a while until I got a call from the hospital asking to schedule a follow-up with my specialists about my recent MRI results.
Sent this picture to my grandma the day of my MRI and she said "Check out those socks that match your gown. You've got it all together. You are so color coordinated." We made those anxious moments laughable.
It was at that point that I felt hope again. After those 4 long years, I figured I deserved to give myself some grace and hope I would get some answers. The doctor came into the room, after I waited for what it feels like forever, with a smile on her face and excitement glistening in her eyes. She finally said the words I had been waiting to hear, "We have some answers." She temporarily diagnosed me with pancreas divisum.
Now, you may be thinking exactly what I thought at that time, "What the heck is that?" It's an anatomical abnormality birth defect when your ventral and dorsal pancreas ducts do not fuse together, as they should. This occurs in 10% of people and has an unknown cause. In 95% of that 10%, patients are asymptomatic and don't know they have pancreas divisum until they are autopsied once they pass. The other 5% of that 10% are symptomatic and experience exactly what I have.
There are still more tests to be done and treatment or procedure options to discuss, however I finally have a hint as to what is going on. Although I don't have an idea of when I will have my next abdominal episode, I am on the right path to getting healthy again and that is what truly matters. Saying this, it's important to stay strong and still have hope that everything is going to be okay. Just because you may not see the end of a long journey or goal you've been wanting to achieve, doesn't mean there isn't a solution or aim for achievement.
You have to trust your own process. Your journey is going to be different than the people's round you and that is okay. Sometimes you have to accept the things that seem difficult or not 'normal' because the uniqueness of your own life is defined by the bumps you experience. You are not alone. Any hardship you face is a part of growing and will only make you stronger.
To all my friends, family, and acquaintances that have known about my illness and gave me hope through your words- thank you. You saved me from falling too deep into thoughts of hopelessness. You motivated me to keep moving and fighting for answers. To those of you who feel like you are fighting through life right now, don't push your support system away. They may not be able to fix your hardships, but they can give you enough optimism to stay resilient. Live your life one day at a time and things will get better.
"And this too shall pass." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18
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